It’s just emotion, taking me over

I’ve been posting here, but they’ve all been private things, not fit for public consumption. Don’t worry, I’ve not forgotten you.

I got a deck of Tarot cards for my birthday, and I’m trying to learn them. I keep dreaming about the Lovers card and the ace of cups. I’ve dreamed about those cards since the first day I slept with them beneath my pillow. Something scares me about those cards, both separately and together.

I said that to lead into my topic. I’m going to try to talk about emotions here.

I’m afraid of my emotions. Feeling them, having them. I wish I didn’t feel at all. My emotions have done nothing but give me stress and heartache.

There’s just too much of them. I feel too much, too strongly. I always have. Every time I try to feel a little–just a little, since the damn things will out no matter what I want–the whole boiling rears up and I have the devil’s own time trying to wrestle them back into some semblance of order.

I wish I didn’t feel, like I said. I can never feel the right things. My mother always told me that my responses were off and wrong, that I didn’t feel what “normal” people felt; she said it to me today in fact, in passing during a phone conversation.

My feelings are always inappropriate, in the wrong measure, for the wrong things, at the wrong times. I can never figure out when the “right” times are.

They won’t leave me alone. They haunt my dreams and leave me stressed. I wish it would stop.


One thought on “It’s just emotion, taking me over

  1. esta123 says:

    they are normal… Your mother casually insults you and you take her word as gospel? You cant control it them if you do not let yourself feel them.. there is NOTHING WRONG with your feelings..

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