Purging

purge
verb
1. rid (someone) of an unwanted feeling, memory, or condition, typically giving a sense of cathartic release.
synonyms: cleanse, clear, purify, wash, shrive, absolve
2. free someone from (an unwanted feeling, memory, or condition).
3. a. remove (a group of people considered undesirable) from an organization or place in an abrupt or violent manner.
synonyms: remove, get rid of, expel, eject, exclude, dismiss, sack, oust, eradicate, clear out, weed out
b. remove a group of undesirable people from (an organization or place) in an abrupt or violent way.

LAW
atone for or wipe out (contempt of court).
physically remove (something) completely.
“a cold air blower purges residual solvents from the body”
evacuate one’s bowels, esp. as a result of taking a laxative.

noun
noun: purge; plural noun: purges
1.
an abrupt or violent removal of a group of people from an organization or place.
synonyms: removal, expulsion, ejection, exclusion, eviction, dismissal, sacking, ousting, eradication

Definitions one and two of the word used as a verb is what I’m Told I need to do. Long story that I won’t get into here.

In my mind, a purging is more intense than a simple cleansing. It’s harder, more involved.

And now, I have to do it.

I am terrified.

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Intensive care: a dream

Last night I dreamed I was in ICU.

I was in the hospital bed, hooked up to all the beeping machines. I guess I was in a really bad way, as I had other doctors and students hanging around my bed wearing resigned expressions. They tried to cover up when they noticed that I was paying attention.

I must have been on my last legs, because the next part of the dream had my loved ones coming in and saying goodbye to me. It seemed like it was everyone who matters to me, so none of them could stay long.

Until my husband (I hate when dreams spring surprises like this on me) came in.

He came in and just stood in the door, staring at me with this expression of concern that shifted quickly to anger as he strode in.

“You will not die on me,” he said.

I appreciated the sentiment–nobody wants to die, right?–but it looked pretty bad. But he was still going on. He was saying that I had to fight, that if I couldn’t then he would, damn it. He shook me, told me again that I was not going to die on him, and strode out.

Then I woke up as my alarm was going off.