I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. It’s like I’m living two lives: the daytime life in which I try to act normally, interact with the kids, keep on a happy face for my friends so as not to distress them, and then there’s how I really feel, which comes out once the household is in bed for the night.
I feel empty and sad and totally useless. I have promises I’ve made and people depending on me and honestly, those are the only things keeping me here, though it’s very hard to care about any of it right now.
That scares me, because usually I do care about my obligations and my word is important to me. Right now all I can feel about anything is a barely-there “meh” type feeling.
I will honor my promises, and do what I have been asked to do. I can push this thing aside enough to handle what must be done.
I wish I knew the way out of feeling this way, though. Nothing I’ve tried has worked.
I’m supposed to be resting right now, but it’s not happening.
I feel like I’ve emotionally flat-lined. I feel dead. I can put it on for LtGP and CT, who don’t believe in so-called negative emotion, but it’s like I’m looking at ashes of emotion and no new fuel to light the fire. I don’t have the energy to get more fuel to rekindle the fire. I know this feeling is bad. It’s like the exhaustion that comes in very late hypothermia.
I wish there was somebody willing to hug me while I sobbed all over them. That’s another thing I seem to want all the time: hugs. I’ve never been a touchy-feely type person, so I wonder what this is.
I know it’s a childish thing to want. It’s probably a childish way to feel, and if I got it, I probably wouldn’t stop crying. That’s sad to think about.
I don’t know what else to write, so that’s all, folks.
“For I am both tender and terrible, and will use both as needed. Do not forget that I am He who mortals dread, the Host of Many, who allows all to enter but none to leave.”