With the way I feel right now, it’s a good thing for us both that I’m several states away from you, and you will never read this or find this blog.
I’m writing this because I’m angry. How could you do this to me? For years, since I was old enough to stand up and walk around. How could you twist my head and all the thoughts I think about myself? How could you do that? How?
Do you know that becuase of you I can’t be happy with anything I do? Do you know that I have trouble seeing the good things I do? I can’t allow myself to be happy with anything. I can’t allow myself to feel joy or pleasure because of you. Do you know how hard just getting gifts is for me? I always feel so inadequate, like I haven’t worked hard enough to have earned the gift.
You told me that everything had a price. Do you know how that twisted me? I’m always looking for the pricetag for everything. Gifts make me uncomfortable. I’m forever trying to do more, give more, be more, so that people will be happy, so that I could feel worthy enough to merit something, anything. I give so much to people that there’s nothing left for me, and I feel like I don’t deserve what I might have.
All my friends (and yes, I really do have friends, mother!) love and care for me, and it’s so hard for me to let them. It’s hard for me to feel like I deserve what they want me to have, and why? Because you told me that I wasn’t worth bothering with. God knows how many of them I’ve hurt or offended by believing what you told me.
I’ve let what you told me define my whole life since I was small. I’ve been afraid of joy and happiness and pleasure. I’ve been afraid to know my own thoughts on anything. I’ve been afraid to be who I really am. I wanted your approval. I wanted you to look at me and really see me. I wanted you to love me.
Well, no more. I will no longer allow you to run my life or my thoughts. I am in control of my life and my emotions. I am the one who will say what I feel or think or do from now on.
I wish I could hate you; I’m angry enough to do it. But it’s not worth it. Hating you would just mean I’m giving you more of my energy. I am going on into my own life on my terms.