No kids today; judging by the high amounts of dudgeon around me, probably no kids ever again. I was able to have my sabbatical, but it didn’t work out the way I thought it would; more on that later.
Yesterday I told the Lord of Lassitude that from now on, he gives me money to sit his kids, or he’s out a sitter. He said he wasn’t going to pay me a damn thing, so I told him all right, don’t leave your kids here with me then. He was unhappy and left in a huff. Today he’s giving me the silent treatment.
Today, the Bestower of Righteous Silliness calls me and asks–she really did ask–me to sit her kids. I asked her if she would be paying me. There was silence on the phone, and then she says, “I’m usually willing to pay you when you ask (she tells me she’s going to pay me before I ask, FYI), so I should be able to get some for free.”
No. No more freebies. I just sit there on the phone. I think she was trying to wait me out, maybe waiting for me to sigh and fill the silence with my consent. That didn’t happen.
She heaved a sigh, said “Never mind, then” with what I assumed was an attitude and hung up without saying goodbye. Bad manners, BORS. Bad, bad manners.
So my siblings are annoyed with me now. The next phase in this will be my mother. I’m just waiting.
“Pick a day next week when you want to watch the kids.”
That was the message the Bestower of Righteous Silliness left for me today. Apparently her daycare provider is going on vacation next week, so she’ll be sans a sitter.
I’m waiting to be asked. Telling me to “pick a day” isn’t asking. You want me to watch your kids, you damn well ask like a civilized person. I’m tired of babysitting anyway. Tomorrow is (hopefully) my last day doing it, as the Lord of Lassitude’s girls are going back to their moms.
People always ask me why I don’t have my own kids. The answer I give them when I feel like being snarky is that I have everybody else’s kids–why do I need my own? As much as I love my nieces and nephews, I can only handle them in measured, spaced-out doses. That’s when everything is on an even mental/emotional keel. When things are off there, then the length of the dose is shortened drastically. Let’s just say that I’ve reached my upper limit for kids for the next little while.
I know I’m not 100%, and kids deserve 100% of you. I’m not 100% for much of anything right now.
I’m praying for strength to last until Thursday. If no kids come back, I’m going out then.
Is this what happens when you reach the bottom? Do you start to doubt your fitness to even draw air? Right now, I don’t know why people depend on me; I feel incapable of even judging colors right now.
I feel like I fail at life, and should have my “Capable Grown-up” card revoked. I feel like sitting down and wailing forever.
I hope it will get better.
I wonder if life will get better. I wonder if I’m strong enough to stick around long enough to see if it will. I feel like I’ve got nothing to look forward to, nothing to fight for. All I see is an endless sea of open hands, open mouths. There’s nothing beyond that.
I know I should want to fight, but I feel so worn out that I can’t find the energy to do it. My tank is definitely empty, and I have no idea what to do to fill it up again.
I know how this sounds. Feel free to tell me I’m being an idiot.
Can an attitude of detachment be learned? If so, how do you learn it, and when does it start to work?
I feel like things are closing in on me, and it makes me wonder how much of the feeling is my own fault. I had a bad night last night, and it’s not any better. I tried everything I know to make myself feel better, but no dice. I don’t know what else to do, other than digging a nice hole and hiding there until the world ends, or I finally go insane, whichever comes first.
I wish I were a drinker; maybe I’d feel better if I were drunk.
I need to stop this ruminating and just do it.