What I Heard and What I Learned from Last Night

My mother and I had words last night. She was in pain and we’d been sitting in the ER for a few hours, and I suppose that her defenses were down pretty low.

She said some pretty hurtful things to me, but in the course of listening to all of that, I heard a few things that surprised me.

1.  I heard my mother’s real feelings. Not that I’d never heard them before, but with the pain I heard them in a new way. I don’t know how to describe it; it was like she was determined to make me see how she felt since I was there and couldn’t leave her alone. Maybe she was trying to drive me away so she could muster her resources and deal with the pain.

2. I heard my mother’s fear. When she was ranting at me, I heard the anger and expected it. What surprised me to hear was the fear.

Now, fear of what? I don’t know. Of losing authority maybe, though she’s not had that for a decade and more. Of losing power over me? That’s a strong possible. I haven’t given her reason to fear me as a person (at least I hope not; it’s a hell of a thing to think your own mother is afraid of you).

I also heard her jealousy, but we’ve covered that, so I won’t belabor it.

So what did your teller of tales learn from the blasting she took?

I learned that I’m pretty strong. My mother was less than flattering in the things she was saying, and it was pretty clear she wanted some reaction from me. But I didn’t give her the reaction she wanted. I didn’t back down and I didn’t fold over. I stood my ground. I’m pretty proud of myself.

I also learned that I can stand up to some pretty bad things and not let it bother me much. Usually after something like that, I worry over it for days and days, trying to find out how I could have done it differently. Granted, last night I did go over it–but after I looked at it and could find nothing wrong that I had done, I was able to step back from it and actually get a pretty decent night’s sleep.  I’m able to look at it and laugh a little.

I feel like that’s something to be proud of.

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2 thoughts on “What I Heard and What I Learned from Last Night

  1. esta123 says:

    As well you should be proud of yourself. As the old saying goes ” you have come a long way baby ” and have worked hard to come to that peace within yourself.

    Almost all of the negative things we tend to do, fear is at the base of most of them. And fear can drive us to do some pretty out there kind of things.Even ranting and raving in public. 🙂

    But as to what she fears, that you may never really know, but know that yes, most times when we rain all over someone, we are in fear over something, and only the person that is in fear, can really do anything, about that.

  2. Dale H says:

    Some very excellent progress there! You should be proud! I am most certainly proud of you! Taking control and learning how to do so, so that others can’t pull you down continually is a grand thing!

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